Press Release: Unknowable Company Positioned To Devour All Human Life Announces Career Opportunities

June 3, 2014, TORONTO - Today, a company whose name and shape cannot be easily recalled, a new world leader in innovative climate, temporal, geographic and population management solutions, announced its official presence to a largely naive and fearful population.

“We have been here since time eternal,” the company spoke through the 32 mouths of Sheila Hamilton’s 7th Grade elementary school class on a field trip to the Royal Ontario Museum. “We have seen your birth and can see your death. Those who do not embrace madness will be devoured.”

The company went on to publish a report containing the missing evidence of 17 unsolved murder cases from the past 100 years as well as in-depth financial statistics for every corporation listed on the New York Stock Exchange for the next five years ending December 31, 2019.

“I don’t remember writing that,” wept the insignificant art student that discovered the report written on its bathroom wall.

“I can’t even read it, like my eyes are slipping off the letters and settling on new thoughts. Strange thoughts. It feels real, though. It feels real. I can feel it here,” it said, vaguely moving his hand two or three feet from its own fragile head.

Though the financial predictions have been guaranteed to be accurate representations of the next five years, the company has not taken responsibility for the murders, impressing that human existence is of little consequence to the incomprehensible eternity in which it dreams. The report is simply a glimpse into the nature of the kind of enlightenment new recruits can expect after attending its seminar at a Career Day exhibit held June 12, 2014 from 10 AM - 5PM in a parking lot at Toronto Exhibition Place.

For more information on the company and potential career opportunities have a journal open to a blank page resting on your bedside table before sleeping tonight. Copies of the report written on the art student’s bathroom wall will be made available upon request.

Mash-Up FanFic Episode 5: Batman Versus Cheers

Welcome to the Mash-UP FanFic blog: a terrifying and incomprehensible part of the website where all of your favourite things from the media converge and suffer a fate worse than death. What is that fate you ask? Read on and cry about it 

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

The bar frm Cheers is filed with the regulers as usuel. You got he bartenders (obviusly0 and youv egot the mailmanand hi s buddy the fatman and Woddly Harison. Samandianne is having a fight and all teh peoplle you dont kno in the bar from Cheerrs ase lauging aboutit eventhough nobodys having anyfun on samandianes end. 

"Hey Woordy Harlson? CanI get a beer or do I gotta make a jok arond here?" this is the ftman and he is drunk. 

"I thinkit's been too many for you tonigt nomrand." 

Norm has always had a high tolerance for alcohol.

Norm has always had a high tolerance for alcohol.

Everyboddy laughs at this too  ut noone we can see is havin anyfun about this and the fatn loooks lik he needs helep. 

The dore opens and who comesin but the BATMAN we all kno and love but whatis he doin on Boston turf? 

"Hi bruce" says the mailman. 

"HiBruce" says a yonge FRASIER

"Hi Bruge"  says samanddinae

"Hi therr misterWAYNE" says Wooly Harlysam

And its liek batnam dosent even care until he lookstwice and dose a bubbletake! 

"hOW DO YOU GUYSALL KNOW MY NAME?" 

Well not all guys saus SamndDaina, alwys a feminst.

"everybuddy noes yourname here misterwayne" (woodsy sais this)) 

Everybuddy is drinking but theonly guy who s getting drunker is the fatman and its the saddett thing you ahve everyseen. 

 "sO YOURTELLING EM THAT YOU KNOW EVERYBODYS NAME THEN?"

Batman is unnerved by the familiarity that the bar's staff and patrons show toward him.

Batman is unnerved by the familiarity that the bar's staff and patrons show toward him.

"thatis right misterwaune" -Wooddy

"tHAT GVES ME AN IDEA. i NEED YOUR HELLPTHEIN TO SOLV SOME CRIMES. "

"OH I don;t know anything abouth tinat midter Wtane. Say youwann drink/"

"sURE!!" 

"me too woodyh arrison"  but everyboddu ignores the fatman. 

Sometim later Bat-man as always isnt verry happy. The fatman is in a husecoate and says hs going to bed and fallsaasleep onthe pool table and everybody laughsat him.

"i JSUT DON;T GET IS. THERE ARE PLACESLIKETHIS BOSTON PLACE BUT TH PLACE WHEREES i LIVE IS NOTHI LIKE THIS. aLLTHE TIME PEOPLE ARE BEIG LIKLLEDAND IMSUPPOSED TO STOPTHEM "

Samandiana says "sounds lik someone I KNOW."  

Whatdo you say you takoff the mask batam?"  sais Woofy. handin the capped crusaydr andother big ol beer.

 "yEAH SURE WHATEVER" says Batnam but don't youthink that mite eb a bad idewa? I think so!

Batmsn takes the maskoffans its bruse wasne like we all expectd. 

The ftmna onthe puoltable says "youdone it now and everybuddy laghs and batmn FINALLY KNOWS WHY HE KNOWS WHO NORMAND IS AFTER ALL!!

"cOMMISONER GORDN?" 

The laughs happne but batman is REALLY scrred!

'wHAT IS INTHE BEER?" wHAT IS INTHE berr!!!" 

Sandmandiane say "itsallover bruge!" 

Woods Harrysom says " I tride to tell you... but yous just woodling lissten..." 

Then BATMAN DIES!!!! The pooltable falls apart uder the commissonergordands weigth and he says "BATMAN I NEED YOU TO HELEP! NOOOOOOOOO!" 

Everybody lauhhs but what we ar all seing tis the end of BAt-man. 

 

Sorrybut I don't think this one is tobe continued.... 

The caped crusader meets an upsetting and nightmarish end.

The caped crusader meets an upsetting and nightmarish end.

OR is it???? 

Mash-Up FanFic Episode 4: Hannibal versus Fraiser

Welcome to the Mash-UP FanFic blog: a terrifying and incomprehensible part of the website where all of your favourite things from the media converge and suffer a fate worse than death. What is that fate you ask? Read on and cry about it

Tossed Salads and Scrambled Legs

If you've never seen Fraiser, you should know that a lot of the jokes are delivered via title cards.

If you've never seen Fraiser, you should know that a lot of the jokes are delivered via title cards.

Teh boss at Fraiser s office comes in to work looking like n idot (as usula) and Fraise ris talking to  the sportsman about how much he likes wine and how heis really a smart man and he wants to go to the opera tonight with hi s borther Niles. 

"scuse me everybody but I have an anouncement to tell you all about Frasier and his radio show" 

and Rozz says "Oh brother" and the laughs come out of the walls. 

"What is it bos?" Says Sportsan then he barks and the wals laugh. 

"Loks like everybodys favoritte guy from chers is about to get a cohost" 

"Oh BROTHER" says Ross and the the laughs. 

"Well I don;t really thing that si too nessesssary do you?"  (this is Faser our main man)

 "He I am jsut the boss I dont make the rules." Then the laughs becase he does.

"Whell wen does this appen?" 

Not jusy yet, he find out when the boss thells him and goes away. The smortsman says "Hey rozz you wnat to dtae me or have secs?" 

Roz: "GET A LIFE BULL DOG!" and the laughs.

Hannibal is a TV show based on a popular series of books about an enthusiastic cannibal. There haven't been any title cards in it yet, but it's only been on the air for a season. 

Hannibal is a TV show based on a popular series of books about an enthusiastic cannibal. There haven't been any title cards in it yet, but it's only been on the air for a season. 

Nils is loking tthough the binoclhuars on a sticka nd Fraer comes back with wine and theyre at the oppera. The guys next to NILES is HAnnibal Lecter but he is there a;; on his own. 

"Did you get the good wine/" sais nlies

"That depensson what you maen by goo d wine nills " 

"ass long as it is a more satsisfying than my marrage to mars my wife" 

Nobodynin the opera laighs but you hear the laughing. 

Then Hannible sas "that is good wine I can smell it form here becase I hav e a good nose for food. I am a newguy in Satele and I have a job as a radioman therabist"

"YOU!" Says Faser and Nilse drinks both glasss of wine. The laughter again. 

Fraser often gets caught with his foot in his mouth, Hannibal is often caught with other people's feet in his mouth (as food).

Fraser often gets caught with his foot in his mouth, Hannibal is often caught with other people's feet in his mouth (as food).

Hanabal and Friaser are both takin a call on the radio for adivse.

The callr is annoyins as heck! Oh man the peeople that call into these things you know? then he s done talking and thr laughter is in thew als again.

Fraser tries to give adise but Hannbal talks over hima dn gives the advise. The advise has comething  to doi kj with the other seens about acccepting chang and maybe ven making a new frined even if you hava n enemy at frist.

Th e walls say "AWWWWWWWWWW" and Frasert loks like a dick as usual.

Roz sais she's goin on a date and the walls lagh and then our man Fras talks to Hannibal.

 "I'm sory i was men o you at the oprea but i was worrie dyou were tking a job. I thiknk we can even be frends you kow? what do you say?"

"Yes." sais DR LECTER

"And here I was thining you were a cannibal or somethin." Wich is funny becasue Hanibal is a canibal but prety much noboddy knos. 

then there is credits and fraser sings a song abou eggs and there si a silent sceen where Hanobal is lookin all aroun the radio room for his lunch and its pretty funny like a quiet move but when he finds it you're like "WHO IS BEING T EATEN!!!?"

Definitelt to be continued!

Mash-Up FanFic Episode 3: Evil Dead versus Shrek

Welcome to the Mash-UP FanFic blog: a terrifying and incomprehensible part of the website where all of your favourite things from the media converge and suffer a fate worse than death. What is that fate you ask? Read on and cry about it

 

True Love Is On The Inside

Thes is a dark forest on the  edge of a swap and thes young peeple want to go spend some time thaere. Theres like a cupple dudes and a couple girld and they are all getting ready to have  a good old fshionned weekend in the wooks. One of the dudes has a relly big chin and you recognise him. This is the gy with the chainsaw for a hand from Evil Dead the movie only guess what? This guy still has both his hands like it all never even happened (but his name ins still ASH)

They are all reddy to have some fun since thy got beer and drugs for the weekend. The wether is no goo dthough and they cn't wait to ge t to the cabin. One of the girlds sais "its  gettin close gys don;t worry" 

aNd ASHE says "Anyboddy feel like this is a deja view? "

Nobody does and they have to truge through the swarmp.

Theysuddenly al hear a s cream and  look around. 

"Oh nowI know this is all happening for the second time" 

This all seems a little too familiar for our hero: Ash from the Evil Dead movies.

This all seems a little too familiar for our hero: Ash from the Evil Dead movies.

But ASHE doens't remmebe r. He loks at his hand Where you expect to see a chainsaw and he says outloud to no one "well, my hand is the same like it's always been. At least that's the cse."

The groupof young people get to the cabin and it has a sign out front that says "AN OGRE LIVES HERE SO STAY AWAY OF YOU KNOW WHAT"S GOOD FOR YOU! "q

Nobody looks home. The gilrwhos'e cabin its suppodes to be sas "this isn't right" and then they see a talking cat! Its lie and orgne cat and its got stripes and it has a deep voice and a spaish acent. 

 "oh hello prety ladies" says the cat.

The cat that the group of teenagers see outside of the house gives them all bad vibes.

The cat that the group of teenagers see outside of the house gives them all bad vibes.

Everybody screems becasue the cat sounds like it is in love with them but it is a cat with ahuman voice. 

Ashe says lets all get in the iuse and they do but one of the dudes is stuck outside and he is screeming. Inside the hous eis all lie a story bookand ther is pictres of a large green fat guy and a donkey with Cameron Diaze. 

"wear did you say youre family is from?" Ahs asks the girl and everybody is thinking the same thing: this is not a regular place. 

The screaming from the dude where the spanish cat was last seen has quieted down.and then the next sdeound is the breaking o f at window and the cat is in the room. 

"Give me a sexy kiss" he says in a scary way for a cat to say it to nobody in particular and the others are like "Where idid ashe go? 

The spanish cat says " don't be afraid of me everyone I just want to make you mi wive" 

They all crwal away on theire backs as the chhat walks on his legs and rbber boots towards tem.

"Oh don not e be so afrqaid even though the more you resist the more aI want to love you more" and he makes a kissy  face. 

"aSSH!" they arll screem!  But the cat os pretty much already there and then they heer it: THE SOUNF OF A CHAINSAW! and we all know what that means.....

A whole hets cut in the wall witha  chane saw and ash crawls through it with a chainsow for his hand and he says "GROOVY" 

 

The cat for the first time makes a real cat noise like a cat that is really not having any fun and Ash cuts it inhalf and says "GOrOVY!" and the cat says something liek" always the bridesmaid and neber the bride" ans dies. 

Every budy is so happy and grab on to ASHes legs with supreme gratitue.And theyn they nhear the best thing they herd all day: it sound slike a black guy from the 1980s and mike meyers (the fatone from Ostin Powers) are having a HILARIOUS conversation.

Everybody looks at eachother likme they won the jackpost only the door opens and its the green man and a talking donky. Everybody screams an asshe says "GROVEY" and we all know what ahppens next... 

To be continued...?

Every one is relieved when Ash murders the cat.

Every one is relieved when Ash murders the cat.

Mash-Up FanFic Episode 2: The Wire versus Game of Thrones

Welcome to the Mash-UP FanFic blog: a terrifying and incomprehensible part of the website where all of your favourite things from the media converge and suffer a fate worse than death. What is that fate you ask? Read on and cry about it

The Garden and The Devil

Two guys are stnding overtop of a dead knight and theyre talking about what happened. One of these guy his namis McNultey abd he is the guy whp knows qhat's going on most. 

"Well isn't this the shame? You grow up your whole lif eand you become a knight and thi s is not what thsi guy thought would be his life you know? I know how the game works and this is it this is the game," 

the other guy is the knights frine d and he sasi this to Mcnolty in retort: "But dear lord, how can thoust be sureth that tis not the white walkers that were the ones who were responsible for the death of my dearet friend lord baratheon's favouritew nkight Draconeous?" 

"You eversen a whitewlkwer do this thia aiont a whitwalker I kow whate walkers. This is just pat of the game and it all happens over agaon even when it's over." 

Th knight whois alive stil bends to one knee and he puts a loilly of the realm: a flower that has magical cerimonial powersontot the dead man and he sheds a one single tear. The live knight walks awayand McNult says "Westeros...what's next?" 

The litle guy from game of thrones is drinkin g wu=ine in his party room and thenn McNutty shows up and he's like "hey"

To what do i ow this pleaseure royal detective? 9this is Lanistor ta;king) 

"we got knights dyin out there and you'r in charge of the kightwatch so we gotta team up and do somthing or we're all boned in a big way!" 

Prince Tyrion writes McNulty a permit to use the wire. 

Prince Tyrion writes McNulty a permit to use the wire. 

I caqn't halp you.

 "Why does this think go deepter than dead knigths? your holindg back on me Dinklage!"

"if I helpyou my brouther would kill me but I can give you this" and the littlw guy hands mcNoltie the permit for the wire! 

McNultoy and Bunkn go to the place wher a knight was dead before this episode started and the old freind s just go aorunf the bloody crimesene going "Fuck. FUCK. Futk. Cuk. Fuck fuckedy fuck fuck. IT;s the funniest part of the whoe thing.

 *

McNulty succumbs to peer pressure.

McNulty succumbs to peer pressure.

After that the main charcater Mcbulty says "Ive got a play I need to be" and he shows up at the whorehouse drunk. Little finger is ther and says "hello detective here for sex?

McNulty sayd no, he si there to ask some qustions but little finger asks why not have a bit of prostitudes first? The peerfpreasure is too much and Mc Nulty has sex with a game of thrones prostitute and tells her how happy he is that they got the wire so that he can put an end to all of the corruption in westeros. 

Litlefinger is listeing and you think its because he's a perve but it's because he's got a secret. He doesn;t like what he heres and goes to a desk where he's got an american passport that says Mayor Carcettti the Mayor of Baltomore and he burns it and then we know something really mesed up is going on! 

To be continued obviously, but doesn't it make you think? Yikes!

 

How did the actual mayor of Baltimore end up in Westeros? And why wouldn't he want to let our man McNulty in on the secret? WTF? 

How did the actual mayor of Baltimore end up in Westeros? And why wouldn't he want to let our man McNulty in on the secret? WTF?